Archive for March, 2008
I think I am the happiest person on the planet right now. I am too exciting/happy/busy to write a real post, but I promise, I’ll do it (although it may not be until Tuesday, thus this mini-post).
I am going to be moving back to the Northeast!
I am now actively looking for jobs, and I am completely excited by all of the possibilities. There are some great positions that I am possibly qualified associated with some top research universities. If only the pay were decent…
I was sunbathing in warm weather yesterday.
I am going to see S. tomorrow night!!
Work and school are both going well.
I AM SO VERY HAPPY!
happy.
Like most bloggers, I find myself posting more frequently when I have something to gripe about/something entertaining to tell, or a philosophical life question to be answered. Today I am going to do something not often seen in online writing – and something that will most likely bore you to tears: I am going to write about how happy I am – and share a few of the few thousand things that bring a smile to my face at the moment. Most of these are totally sappy. I apologize. These are not at all in order of importance, or any order at all.
1. My wonderful easter basket! My sweet, wonderful boyfriend sent me a basket that included not only the Easter essentials (Cadbury cream eggs!), but wonderful things that show that he cares about the little things that daily effect me. He included sunscreen (I told him I missed a spot and burnt myself last weekend), a blister bar (for dancing!), phase 10 (a card game he played with me and my family), my favorite chocolates, and even some peach rings from my favorite little candy store. Also, things that were Pink (a lamb and those icky marshmallow things). How sweet!! <3<3<3
3. I am flying up north this weekend to be with the most wonderful man ever. I am so crazy in love with him, and I cannot wait to see him again. He makes me happy, happy, HAPPY!
4. Although money is tight, I have everything I need. I can afford groceries, and gas (mostly), and I even justified buying a new skirt for work stuff yesterday. I may be panicking about this again tomorrow, but at this very moment I feel okay (babysitting the last two weeks has helped this issue).
5. I am going on a lovely trip to California with S. in two and a half weeks! I not only get to see him this weekend, but AGAIN soon after; in somewhere warm and pretty!
6. This one is going to come off as totally self absorbed, but I’m saying it anyway. I feel pretty! Although I’m not nearly as toned as I would like to be, I am pretty in-shape. And after taking a zillion pictures of myself with my Easter basket this morning, I actually really like some of the shots. Self confidence! Whoo! [Yes, I know, not a typical blogging topic.]
7. I am moving in a couple months, and I am excited about it, not loathing it. This is because instead of moving away from everyone I love and care about, I am finally moving closer to someone that I really want to be with. This move may be moving closer to just that one person, or it may be moving closer to the area that most of the people I’m closest with are in. That would make me so very, very happy!
8. It’s spring! For real! I can wear flip flops! And skirts! And some days it’s even nice enough to wear tank tops and sit outside in the park!
I have a million other reasons to be happy, but those are the ones I’ll mention for now. Ooooh. Happy! It’s like a totally silly, walk around humming to myself happy. I am such a major dork :]
Cruella DeVil
My sophomore year in college I rented a tiny three bedroom apartment with three girls.
It was awful.
Two of us got along pretty well for most of the year, but she had an ex-boyfriend who was still madly in love with her, and was completely jealous about her spending time with me instead of him. She loved the attention, even though she no longer loved him, and strung him along. When our lease was about to end, the two of us girls decided we wanted to room together again the following year. We picked out an apartment, put down a deposit and life was good for about 2 hours. The ex was mad that she was moving so far away, and that he couldn’t afford a one bedroom in the same complex. He convinced her that she didn’t want to live there. The week of finals she told me she wanted to look for a different place, closer to campus. I told her that I was happy with what we picked out, but that if she wanted to see what else was out there, she could go ahead and keep looking – but I had finals to do! She agreed, but then made about 8 realtor appointments for me. It was annoying. Anyway, she found a place she decided was perfect. It was more expensive, about 70 years older, and closer to her ex. I told her I’d consider it, but I really liked the place we had already put a deposit down at. I also said that I would continue looking, but I didn’t really want to live at the place she picked out.
Two o’clock in the morning, the day of a huge final, I received an email, telling me that I had two options: 1. Live with her in that place. or 2. go find my own place to live (her ex would share that place with her). I sent her a two word email. “I’m out.” I wasn’t going to be forcefully manipulated, and I didn’t want to live with someone who was allowing herself to manipulated by a crazy ex. So, I scrambled and found myself a tiny studio. I rented myself a moving truck (they’re hard to come by on certain days in the city. Sep 1st = “everyone moves” day). A couple weeks later, this roommate attempted to make amends. Since we all had to move on the same day, she asked if she could share my moving truck (she couldn’t find one), and offered that she and her ex would help me move in return. Since it is hard to move a ton of stuff solo, I agreed. Two days before I moved, I discovered that her ex was able to use his parent’s truck to move – and canceled the reservation on my truck! (Her ex said to me “If I ever had the opportunity to kill you without anyone finding out, I would do it in a second.”) I had no one to help me move, and no way to get my stuff across town. I was screwed! I scrambled and managed to figure something out, but needless to say, I did not speak to this girl ever again.
Unfortunately the place she picked was off the same public transit stop as my apartment, so I did see her twice the following year. The first time was around the holidays, and she and her ex were walking down the opposite side of the street that I was. I had seen her on the train, but obviously didn’t say anything, and they purposely didn’t cross the street to avoid me. Well my place was closer – so when I was walking in to my building, I heard her yell “Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!” What? I didn’t say/do anything to you! The second time I saw her, she didn’t see me. It was again on public transit, and I got off at the next stop and walked (it was equidistant to my place).
So, fast forward 3 years. I completed undergrad a year before she did. I went off to graduate school. She is still in the same city, working at a menial job that she did part time in undergrad. It has absolutely nothing to do with her degree and is in customer service. Her ex finally got the message that she wasn’t going to marry him (I think she’s interested in both sexes now, although she still doesn’t appear to have successfully managed a relationship). Yes, I am a horrible person – her failure with life makes me feel better about myself. Yesterday I got a message from her on one of those obnoxious online socializing websites (you know, myspace, facebook, friendster – I sadly have them all). it said:
hey there!
know we haven’t talked in a really long time, but I was randomly thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been. What are you up to these days? How are you? Hope to hear from you soon!
~R
What?!?!
I hadn’t even thought of her in a few years, and I was not expecting to hear from her EVER again. What would posses someone to send a message like that to someone who they stabbed in the back and they know despises them? The only thing I can think of is that something decent finally happened to her and she wants to brag?
I have two options – 1. Write back and tell her how awesome my life is (because it IS). I would gain some satisfaction in knowing I am superior to this person who was quite mean to me.
or 2. ignore it. Be a better person and just pretend she doesn’t exist. Don’t let her think she’s manipulating me again, and just ignore it.
Either option is catty and horrible. I know S. would say that I should write back and see what connections I can milk out of it – but I DON’T WANT TO! the end.
The one complication with this is that we may be in the same city again next year. I can’t imagine running into her. It would be HIL-AR-IOUS! I’ll probably join my undergrad gym as an alumni, so there’s the slight chance it would happen. Hahaha.
Anyway, that’s it. funny story of the day.
love hurts.
I am trying to think of something interesting to write – because over the last few days I’ve had a bunch of ideas, but now they’ve all disappeared.
Overall, I’d say I’m a pretty emotionally stable person. I don’t like drama, I don’t get too worked up about stupid things, I think I react pretty appropriately (or under-react) for most situations, but there are times when I feel hurt/angry/frustrated/concerned and it drives me crazy. It only happens when it involves someone who I care about – not an external event of any type. I’ve had tow truck drivers tell me I’m the calmest person they’ve ever picked up. I have had a significant number of people tell me that if there was some disaster – of any type – I’d be the person they’d want around. I can stay pretty calm and collected, and figure out a solution. My problem solving skills are pretty decent. I’m pretty good at helping people through relationship issues and other really deep personal things as well. I better be – it is my profession.
So why is it that I let people I love hurt me so deeply? I say let, because I recognize loving someone, letting them in, being vulnerable, and letting them affect you is a choice. They’re not doing anything to me that I’m not allowing. I’m the one who is control of my own emotions (or I should be). So why do I get so upset about stupid things? Usually the times I feel particularly emotional are times when something is going on and the other person won’t talk about it. If you’re up front and tell me you’re mad at me, I’m fine. I can figure out what I did and fix it (or not), and move on. But if you just stop calling and refuse to pick up the phone when I call, I don’t know how to deal with it. I intellectually recognize that person just isn’t ready and that they’ll come around in their own time and tell me what’s up, but the waiting kills me. I catastrophize. I fear that the relationship is over. Not salvageable. I fear that I have lost an important person in my life. This happens for not only romantic relationships, but very close friendships as well. Although I can only every remember it happening with one or two friends. Unfortunately I have a pattern of becoming involved in relationships that start local, but turn into long-distance relationships. I HATE long-distance. The lack of communication irritates me to no end. It doesn’t help that three out of four failed long distance relationships ended with the guy just no longer calling: no real explanation until weeks later when I found out that he decided it was over and just didn’t tell me. This would be a decent reason to be a little cautious in other relationships – even though I hope I’ve made better choices. Although, who knows, maybe I’m making the mistake of once again dating someone who is too self-involved and doesn’t have the ability to care for anyone else as much as he cares about himself. I hope not. I have to believe otherwise. But that’s the problem with dating men who are fairly good looking, accomplished and confident – they generally are a little too self-involved. S. believes that the word “supercilious” is a good descriptor of his person. I really hope he doesn’t believe that.
“The opposite of Love is not Hate, it’s Indifference.” -Elie Wiesel
snap.
busy. the good kind.
So, yesterday I did something totally out of the ordinary for me. I hung out with people! Not just one, not two, but three! In the same day!
So I had class all morning/afternoon and I finally got the chance to hang out with a friend who I went to undergrad with and moved down here for graduate school in August. August! That’s 7 months ago! And this is the first time we’ve hung out. pathetic. I really enjoy hanging out with this particular friend – we had great conversation about the woes of graduate students (finances, relationships, the meaning of life). His place is on his campus, so he doesn’t have a car, so he experiences the city a lot differently than I do. It’s interesting to hear the perspective of someone you actually like and respect about similar circumstances.
In my last post I alluded to a video I watched in one of my classes about the communication styles of men/women. In true psychology form, I decided to actively think about this in my conversations with friends. The video postulated a couple main differences about the natural communication style of the varying sexes, by watching same sex “best friends” interact at various ages (5, 10, 15). A couple things popped out as very obvious differences.
1. Body language – Girls tend to look directly at each other, putting their chairs face to face. Eye contact is almost constant. The boys put their chairs next to each other, and occasionally made eye contact while speaking, but it wasn’t constant like with females. The guys tended to look around the room, checking in with the other person every few seconds.
2. Conversation “meaning” – The video talked about how the girls’ conversations revolved around “sameness.” One girl would say something, and another would follow up with “me too!” and relate a similar story. It made the point that women tend to communicate as a way of bonding. The young guys used conversation as a way to determine social status. One kid would say “I can hit a baseball up to the sky” and another would follow up with “Mine goes all the way up to heaven” and a third, “Mine goes all the way up to God.” This is not necessarily indicative of the more socialized way of speaking that adults have been trained in, but the trend seemed to be consistent among those in the younger age groups.
There were other things as well, but that’s all I feel like making you read about :p
The reason I mention this is because I paid close attention to this in my interactions with my friends last night. My first friend and I sat in a chair/couch opposite each other, but eye contact was made about every 5/10 seconds. Although we talked for two hours, we weren’t staring into each others’ eyes in the way that most female friends would. The same trend happened throughout the night. I went to dinner with a second friend (also male), and although we sat across from one another, eye contact was not constant. At one point he told me that my eyes were “so beautiful!” which made me totally uncomfortable, because 1. it’s a complement, and 2. what was he looking into my eyes for? We were just talking! The third friend and I sat on his couch together, both facing forward. We would occasionally reference each other in conversation, but it wasn’t frequent. As the conversation turned more emotional, the eye contact became even less frequent.
I think in this first aspect of communication, I have totally been “socialized” in a male way. I’m not comfortable staring at a person I’m talking with. I look away more than I look at my companion. I tend to feel less comfortable when I’m talking to females, and I wonder if this is one of the reasons. I have noticed before that girls tend to have direct eye contact continuously in conversation, and it’s hard for me!
I was talking to S. about some of these things, and he disagreed with the second postulate in the video – that women communicate to bond, and men communicate for status. I think this is definitely something that is much more present in children’s conversation. I agree that women “trouble talk” (exaggerate troubles to have something to talk about), but I think that men do use communication to bond as well. At least some of them.
The video also referenced some research with indicated that men talk more in a typical day than women do – they just tend to do it more in professional setting, and women tend to talk more in personal settings. Interesting!
Those are some of my random thoughts for the day :] Now I have to get back to writing progress notes and getting ready for clients. Whoooo!
ugh.
So I went rock climbing with 6 tonight. Two of his friends were supposed to join, along with 5, but everyone else bailed. It was fun. I’m starting to get the feel for it again. I flashed a couple 5.8s and 8+’s, but one 8+ kicked my butt – I just didn’t have either the upper body strength or the reach. This is sad compared to stuff I’ve done in the past, but it feels good to start getting my muscle memory for it back again.
Because it was 6, there were a couple funny and/or awkward moments throughout the evening.
1. 6 was talking about something and he touched my shoulder, and it somehow fit in the conversation for me to tell him I’m a bubble person, and that I do not like anyone in my bubble. It was funny. To me. Later in the evening he worked it into conversation that he apologized for being a touchy person, and told me it was purely friendly, not sexual. Funny.
2. Awkward. He randomly asked me why I broke up with my boyfriend before S. Who even asks someone that when they barely know you?? Anyway, this led to an even more awkward conversation in which he told me about an encounter he had with a friend in 5th grade where they compared parts. And he talked about seeing her naked and how he was afraid to touch her “there” and then said something like “if I knew then what I know now….” and whistled. UM!!! WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS? You creepy pedophile.
3. Tonight I learned that people ask me to dance because A. I am beautiful. B. I have a very nice body. C. I am relatively new. Apparently (according to him, who has never even danced with me), my skill has nothing to do with it.
4. I am sweet and innocent.
5. Every man wants a woman exactly like me.
How in the world do you respond “properly” to any of the above? “Thanks, I know I’m drop-dead gorgeous.” “Go away, I don’t like these comments?” If you refute them, people will only persist further and men will think you’re flirting. If you just say “I know.” and play it off like you’re fabulous, you’re over confident, and men will think you’re flirting. A swift kick to his male parts? He’ll again, think foreplay. UGH! Why are men so annoying?
Speaking of that, I watched an interesting video in my Family and Couples Therapy class today about how the communication styles of men and women are different (yes, I know it sounds generic and cliche, but it was a little bit interesting), and I came to the conclusion that I have been socialized like a man. But somehow have developed a couple of those annoying female features, such as expecting communication to be a bonding experience.
panic.
You know those days where everything can be going perfectly, but then one tiny things happens and your world is falling apart? They suck, right? Today was thisclose to being one of those days.
So this evening I met up with 5 at a wine bar, then we walked half a mile down the road to see an amazing artist perform (the point of the evening). It was wonderful. The food was good, the conversation was good, the wine was excellent, and the music was absolutely amazing.
So, after the performance, we walked a very chilly half mile back to the wine bar, where we left our cars. Mine was a little closer than his, so we hopped in it, and I drove him to his car. As we were driving, I heard my phone drop out of the door pocket I had put it in and fall near my feet. I dropped him off at his car, hopped out for a quick hug, then was on my way.
As I was driving home I realized something horrible: My phone wasn’t near my feet! I was trying not to panic, and was using one foot to “search” for my phone, but it wasn’t there. I used stoplights as occasions to grope under the seat to see if I could feel it; but it was gone. It must have fallen out by 5’s truck. The 15 minute drive home is misery. “It has to be in here.” “Oh crap, I can’t afford another phone!” “What network do I choose?”
See, my wireless contract ends in 15 days. I am unsure if I’m going to stick with Verizon, or switch over to Sprint’s SERO, or crappy AT&T. S. wants an iPhone. If he switches, I have to as well – because he’s the person I talk to the most, and I couldn’t afford to be on a different network! But Verizon is so gosh-darn reliable! I get service in crazy rural areas that no one else even thinks they could get service. SERO is inexpensive, but the service is bad. And I can’t afford, nor do I want the current version of the iPhone! UGH! PLUS, do I have to pay the $175 early termination fee if I DO switch??
Well, after a long ride home, I back into a parking space, turn off my car and start seriously fishing underneath my seat. All of the sudden, I get this weird feeling that I’m moving. To my complete surprise I look up and I AM moving. I forgot my e-brake (I drive a stick)! I am quickly rolling toward the car parked opposite to me. I slam my foot on the pedal. CRAP! It’s the wrong pedal! I manage to pull the e-brake when I’m less than a foot away from the other car (I had started to pick up a great deal of momentum). Scary, scary! I was so lucky that another car didn’t come into the parking area and that I managed to stop seconds before slamming into the other car.
I turned on my car, backed into my space for a second time, and pulled the brake hard! After 5 minutes of frantic searching I moved my seat all the way back, and there was my phone – awkwardly positioned so that it didn’t feel any different than the underside mechanics of the seat.
So – I have my phone, my car is in one piece and I am trying to come down from a major panic moment. I am happy to be in bed, but I keep having OCD type thoughts such as “Did I really pull the ebrake this time?” and “I really hope my car didn’t smash into that other one after I got out!” I need to go to bed!
6 is weird.
An example of 6’s weirdness:
He called and left me a message about rock climbing next week. I called him back and he decided to recited the oddest poetry. The conversation went as follows:
6: j! My Darling! [obviously I am confused because I am not his darling]
j: Ummm… hi 6?
6: j! My duck! [What the heck? Duck? what?]
j: Hhh… how are you?
6: Come into my garden and I’ll give you a flower! [Umm... the word flower doesn't really fit the rest of the rhyme, but I definitely do NOT like the only word that could fit. What he heck is going on in his weird, weird head??]
j: Umm… okay. Hi 6, how are you?
6: great! But I’m with a client so I can’t really talk!
[He continues to talk for like 5 minutes as I desperately try to get off the phone].
Some people really freak me out.
random friends.
I forgot to write about the cool Starbucks guy last night!
So, when we were sitting at Starbucks, one of the people who works there went by sweeping the floor and said to us “We’re about to close.” So, we both hopped up, apologized, and started to leave. But then he told us he was just joking (we still had an hour) and we started chatting about completely random things. He had visible tattoos on his arms, so I asked him about them, and he was SO happy to talk about them, it was cute. He had 19 all together, and showed us almost all of th em. He was undressing in the middle of the Starbucks! He was completely self-confiden and outgoing, and just a happy guy.
So this guys walks by every 10 minutes and says something to us and it’s cool. I love when random cool people make friends with you. Well, after another half an hour of sitting there, this guy, let’s call him Al, brings us a plate with two mini fudgy things with a dollop of whip cream and chocolate and caramel sauce beautifully all over. He used to be a pastry chef!
Hmm… I’m trying to remember the other funny interactions we had.
Oh! At one point Al came over and whispered to me that he thinks 5 looks like David Duchovny, and it was really bothering him – in a good way. That was a little hilarious (he does look a little similar, but not as ugly).
I can’t remember any more at the moment, but this guy was cool. Hilarious. It reminds me of when I first moved down here and my awesome friends accompanied me. Somehow we managed to make a lot of “friends” in the couple days they were here with me. People are so funny!
